Ordinariness, big dreams and illnesses.

For years, I've been telling myself that ordinariness is bliss. 平凡就是福。Indeed, it is. 

I've been an ordinary university student for three years. It's been great. I loved it. 

Now I've graduated. While job hunting, I still stuck to the thinking that ordinariness is bliss. Whatever I do doesn't have to be big. I can even stay in the same old place, doing the same old thing for years... maybe while pursuing my extraordinary dreams part-time.

So I went for several job interviews. I got several job offers. Right now, I have an offer waiting for my reply. 

It's February 15th, 2016. It's the eighth day of Chinese New Year. It's also the 15th day since I fell sick early this month. 

I had a fever that went on and off for the first week of the month. After that, I spent the next week breathing through my mouth, struggling to hear what people are saying, and coughing while trying not to cough my lungs out. 

Our family travelled up north for CNY, and I spent the days at grandpa's home daydreaming - involuntarily. I just couldn't focus. It feels like my head is not on my shoulders. I couldn't really tell whether I'm awake or dreaming. When I went out with a friend one day, after ordering food at the counter, I was supposed to pay the bill. The cashier keyed in the amount and showed it to me. I looked back at him. What? Why is he looking at me? After a while, I finally realised that oh, I needed to pay. 

I was dreaming even then. What's wrong with me?

Maybe I'm just ill. Maybe I'll be better when I recover from this flu.

But I have a job offer waiting for my reply... possibly within this week. I also just received a mail from another company, and I'm expecting hoping to get called for an interview. 

And I'm not well. I feel like calling off everything, and go into hibernate mode. Before I fell sick this month, I was all ready to begin my first official job any time. But I can't make decisions right now. I don't want to fall into the routine work, learn new things, try to fit into a new environment right now. I just want to breathe normally, stop coughing, be able to hear clearly and focus on what's going on around me. 

Honestly, I thought that this offer I just got was the perfect position for myself. Ordinary, in a place I call my second home, with nice people around. I thought I would be happy just living an ordinary life, doing an ordinary job in a place like home, around people who are like family. But right now, I'm very, very tempted to decline the offer. I haven't started, but I'm tired already. 

Maybe I'm just ill. Maybe it'll get better when I recover from this flu. 

But another part of me is roaring for a change. Why stay ordinary when you can be extraordinary? I used to say, I'm an ordinary kid with extraordinary dreams. I was in secondary school when I wrote that line on my profile. Later, that line changed to ordinariness is bliss, and I live in imaginations and work in reality. Whatever these lines mean, I probably knew best when I first wrote them. But right now, I realised that I still am that ordinary kid with extraordinary dreams. 

I see people achieving their dreams, big and small. Then I think of myself doing the routine thing in that place I call my second home. I also think of my extraordinary dreams and whether I can achieve them if I stay in the comfort of my second home.

Maybe I'm just ill. Maybe I'll be able to think better when I recover from this flu. 

But what should I do right now? I'm ill, my body - and possibly my mind too - needs a break. A break from all the damn problems in the world. 

But a job offer is waiting for my response. I'm waiting for a different offer - which, not to mention, I might not even get. I need a break. I want to rest. It's not easy to get a job offer nowadays, so I heard. And here I am, declining offers for various reasons. For good reasons, previously. Yet right now, the reason I'm tempted to decline this current offer is just downright silly and irrational. 

Because I'm sick, I need rest, I'm not ready to start work?
Because I don't want to be locked up in my second home?
Because I want to try my luck at achieving my extraordinary dreams? 

I must be crazy. Maybe I'm still daydreaming. 

Help

It's not hard for the rest of the world to think that being overwhelmed with negative emotions is being weak, if a psychology graduate thinks so too in the face of her problems.

You're not being weak. You're just human.

If you need help, seek help.

Let me go

I'm a kid like everyone else.

Please, please...

The past few days have been... not to say 'tough', but they've been quite a bit of a roller-coaster ride. Not quite sure why. Maybe because of the hormones, maybe because post-graduation life isn't as easy as I thought it would be, or maybe because the world has been hurting. It probably still is. 

Cried quite a bit watching this episode of one of my favourite Korean variety shows. Things like this make me feel thankful that I understand the Korean language well enough to feel the lyrics. 

For the people who are hurting, for whatever reasons.

Please, may the world, please, don't hurt any more. 

Please, heal. 

Please, be well. 

Please.

Life is hard.. But I'm fine.

Just what I thought while chatting with a friend about his problems, and about this female singer who got into a huge controversy with the first album she produced for herself at 22 years old. 

Some people.. No, many people. Many people just want to do what they enjoy doing, what they're passionate about. But sometimes things don't turn out so well. Perhaps that's because every individual has a different outlook and understanding of the world. We view the world differently, we have different values of what's important, and what's right or wrong. But who are we to put these values onto other people? We don't know what they're going through, or where they're coming from.

Life is tough. 

So many people just want to do the things that they really enjoy doing. But some people enjoy doing things that aren't expected of them. Some university graduates dream of selling chocolates at airports. Some people say that's crazy, why is this graduate putting his degree and intelligence to waste. But what do they know? 

The world thinks you have to be successful in your career because you're smart, you're meant to be successful, or at least be doing something that most people in your league are doing. Otherwise, you're weird. Strange. Crazy. Lazy. Useless. Stupid. Or just downright mad. 

We all die, eventually. But how many of us lived? Lived the life we wanted, not what others think is normal.

Life. Is tough.

I knew that many, many years ago. 

And I'm feeling it again. 

But I'm fine. 

It's tough, it's a fact that I know all along, but it doesn't bother me as much anymore.  

May everyone else be at peace with how tough life is. No point dwelling on how hard it is. We're not going anywhere with that.

Dare To Be Different

I went with the flow, did what most others were doing.

I felt good. For a while. 
It felt good to feel like I belong, like I was 'normal'.

But before long, I began to struggle.
I didn't like what I was doing. 

Then I realised... 
Right, I should walk my path the way I want to
Even if it is different from what most others do.

It's not easy, and sometimes we forget. 
But it's not wrong. 

Dare to be different 
If that's what you are.

Just my post-graduation dilemma.

Be well, stay well.

One to go...

Two down, one to go. 

One paper left before final exam ends; before my three year undergrad course ends. 

Post-psych-sem-exam treat.
Check it out on Instagram.

I mentioned in the previous entry how the first paper (Psych Sem) was such a pain in the a**. Thankfully it didn't turn out to be that bad. In fact, the morning before the paper, I was extremely excited, I couldn't stop smiling. I tend to get excited few hours before an exam because approaching means ending soon, and I love that. 

After the paper, I felt some form of relief. Somehow felt like it was the end of all exams, when in fact the next paper awaits two days from then (and I haven't read a single thing). I left the exam hall (new building examination hall on the 10th floor!! I even saw a lake with two yachts from there) early, and went to the foyer and stoned there, in the breeze, listening to music (the day before, I expected to shed tears in the breeze because I thought the paper would make me depressed. Luckily it didn't). 

I never knew that we could see Sunway Lagoon from the new building of our
campus. Took this picture at 8.45am, 15 minutes before our second paper.
While everyone were busy doing last minute reading, there I was, admiring the view
from the 7th floor of our NUB(new university building).
Check it out on Instagram.

I just stood there staring into air while listening to a random playlist on my iPod. BIGBANG's 'Blue' came on. That song which I often listened to during my very first semester at uni. Listening to it now makes me feel nostalgic. 

I tried to take in the details in the environment that my sensory organs can feel. I felt like I had to do something like that as much as I can before my days as a student in this campus end. 

Today.. um, yesterday, we sat for our second paper. Oddly, I wasn't excited going into the hall, neither was I hyped up when it ended. It felt indifferent.... but I have a feeling that I will miss this all when our final paper ends next Monday. I have a feeling that I'll be down for a while (hours? Days? Weeks? I don't know) after the end of it. 

Time, stop for a moment, would ya?
My bedside table.

It somehow just feels surreal. I'm about to close this chapter of my life, and get ready to move on to something new. I believe it's not the assignments and exams that I'm missing. I miss this chapter, the three years here, this phase as an undergrad doing something that isn't my passion. It wasn't torture, it just wasn't all that enjoyable, but I enjoyed it. Does it make sense? 

I know I'll miss this. 

For once, for the first time, I don't want the day of our third and last paper to come. I don't want this to end. 

Luca.

It's our unofficial study break before finals next week. I say unofficial  because we never really have official study breaks. Our breaks - if they do happen to exist - are there because lectures + review sessions were completed a week earlier than planned. 

So it's basically a one-week break before finals. I don't even turn up all the time when there are lectures, but today (yesterday), I went to uni. A friend was impressed that I'm heading to uni on a day when we don't have classes on. I actually had to drop by to hand the data of my final year research project to my thesis supervisor. He's keen in getting our stuff published. (Man, if it does get published, does that mean my dream of getting published has come true? But what, in a scientific journal!? )

Why did I even start this post with such a long-winded intro?

Rainbow cake during catchup with intern colleagues on the last
day of lectures this semester. I still don't think this is food. The
colours scare me too much.

So anyway, I went to uni just to hand some stuff to my dear supervisor who promised to see me after lunch hours. Since our appointment time was so vague, I even checked my mail several times before leaving home because I had a feeling that he wouldn't be in. There was no mail, so I headed to uni. 

When I arrived, he wasn't in his office. tadaa...

I went to the administrative office of our department and asked our ever-trusty admin Ms Jeannie if she knows where I can find Dr Luca, my Italian rat brain freak supervisor who has a Japanese wife (not that I think he's a freak.. well I guess I do, but I'm only calling him a freak because he called himself a freak. So.. I don't mean anything bad ^^).

Apparently the entire department was in an emergency meeting to reshuffle the duty roster (or whatever you call that) for the new semester because Dr Luca is leaving. BECAUSE DR LUCA IS LEAVING.

And I didn't know. Well, he never mentioned. 

He's leaving right after our final exams next week, as I was told. 

Cow brain. During Dr Luca's Brain and Behaviour class.

I started to feel nostalgic all of a sudden. Not to say that I'll miss him that much. I know I will, but I'm graduating anyway, so him leaving the uni doesn't matter much to me... but him leaving at this time makes me feel... betrayed. No wait, what's a better word? Speechless. Yeah, whatever. 

He began lecturing at our university two years back(?) when we were suppose to take this subject called Brain and Behaviour. It's basically neuroscience in psychology. From what our seniors said, this subject isn't that much of a torture under the previous lecturer. But Dr Luca, being the neuroscience guy, brought this subject to a brand new level. It was seriously neuroscience. We all had a super tough time because we were not trained in neuroscience, we don't know neuro brainy terms, we don't really have the basic knowledge about how the neuronal stuff works, and yet we were required to read journals after journals on neuroscience, and sit for a final exam about how serotonin, dopamine works in the PFC, amygdala, hippocampus, basal ganglia... I don't even remember now. 

In fact, I never really understood a thing even as I sat for the paper at the end of that semester. How did I even get a B for that. Thank goodness my essay assignment mark was good. That definitely helped. Digit ratio is interesting anyway. I thank myself for picking this topic.

Cow brain slices. Or salami slices as Dr Luca calls it.

After the trauma from Brain and Behaviour, we were all reluctant to step into our final semester, knowing that another subject under Dr Luca awaits us. But anyway, before the final semester, we had to begin our final  year research project. We all went to the lecturers of our choices with a research topic, and eventually got our supervisors for the final year.

As I never really had an idea of a research topic for my thesis, I just cluelessly went to Dr Luca before anyone else, because he's the only lecturer I know who has topics ready for his potential thesis student. He told me that he thinks it'll be hard to juggle experiments for his topic and internship simultaneously, so he came up with something different and easier to carry out. I was pleased by how understanding he was, and the topic didn't sound too difficult at the moment, so I agreed to do my final year project under him. 

Turns out I was too naive. Nothing is easy. Data collection was fine, but given the nature of the procedure (collecting blood samples from participants), I had a hard time getting people to participate in the study. Taking time off internship and going around persuading strangers to take part, was exhausting - physically and mentally. 

The room where I did most of my data collection in. The room where I hid in for
some me-time when there were no participants. The room which was a good
enough resting spot for me while I suffered from shingles.

I had to make sure the experiment times did not clash with my office hours, and make sure participants who do agree to take part stick to the requirements of the study (coming at least two hours but not more than three hours after food). On the day itself, I worry whether they'll actually turn up. I worry whether they know how to get to the lab. They could call me if they can't find their way, but there's no line in that underground lab, and I wouldn't get their calls. I couldn't leave the lab with the apparatuses in it either.

I ended up getting shingles half way through data collection. I'm convinced that shingles hurt more than giving birth to a baby. The degree of pain just seemed to be the maximum a human body can feel (I later read on a newspaper that shingles do indeed hurt more than birth. Eh? But yeah.)

Thankfully data collection was completed successfully before the deadline set by Dr Luca. I managed to go through this whole thing while battling the pain in my nerves (literally!). Then I thought that was the end. 

But no! The writeup is the real thing. Making sense of my data, understanding previous journals and brain circuits, writing out my report, and analysing what they all freaking mean. That was countless of sleepless nights before the date of thesis submission. 

A part of the acknowledgement section of my dissertation, dedicated to Dr Luca.

Now, we're all done with those. What awaits me ahead is our final exam. The first paper? Psychology Seminar by Dr Luca. Neuroscience. Basically an advanced version of Brain and Behaviour. 

The torture. The pain. The experience. The memory. The reason why I'm dreading this final exam more than ever. They all point to the same two words: Dr Luca. 

Now that he's leaving, our juniors wouldn't have to go through this same subject with neuroscience as its topic. If you get what I wanted to say with this pointlessly lengthy post, I meant to point out the fact that Dr Luca came to our university just in time to take over Brain and Behaviour, be my thesis supervisor, and make our Psych Seminar neuroscience-based. That all done, and he's leaving. 

Not that I'm complaining. It just made me nostalgic all of a sudden. It makes me wonder how would my undergraduate course be without him. What would I have done for my final year dissertation? Under whose supervision? Would it have been any less painful? If it weren't for him, would psych seminar final exam be a piece of cheese cake instead of a rainbow cake (at least I like it)? What would I be doing now? What kind of memories would I take with me as I put an end to my undergraduate course?

Turns out this is the only picture I have of/with Dr Luca. Should probably take a
picture with him when I see him tomorrow today.

Dr Luca's subject has been so much of a pain for many of us, and he has been such a huge part in my undergraduate course. It just feels... strange(the good way) to know that he's ending his term at our university the same time I'm ending my undergrad studies.

Even if I don't remember neuroscience stuff in the future, I hope I'll always remember Dr Luca and his lectures, his supervision, his freakishness and unique style of lecture. The Luca Express - what I call his lectures (thanks to Dr Alvin).

I'll be seeing Dr Luca again in the afternoon, and one more time during the day we sit for his paper in the final exam. I hope I'll do well in this last test from him. 

Before that, I hope I freakin' start studying for that paper! 

So I...

So I submitted my last assignment of the semester today. The last assignment of the year. The last assignment of my three year undergraduate course in psychology.

Next up will be the final of all final exams in July. 

Then I'll be... 

Free.

Or lost. 

Whichever. 

Doesn't matter. 

Listening to this as I type this out. 

뭔가 공허함이 느껴지는... 

Be well. Be healthy. 
Cry out if you're tired or stressed. They said crying helps remove the toxic waste that builds up when you're stressed. Maybe that's why I got shingles - I didn't cry.

Stay well. Peace.

Surviving.

Hi. I'm surviving -  barely surviving - my final semester.

Recently, whenever people ask me "how are you?", my reply has always been "I'm surviving". I remember one reply I got in particular. It was from my big boss when I was doing my internship early this year. He laughed heartily and said, "That bad?"

Actually, I never meant that things are bad when I said I'm surviving. I always thought that it's a positive reply. One that conveys the message that I'm still going strong despite the stressful consequences. But I guess it can indeed sound bad.

Perhaps in comparison to my current status: barely surviving, 'surviving' is a much, much better state to be in. 

Anyway, here's a video of Sweet Sorrow on Immortal Songs 2. One of my favourite group of singers on one of my favourite shows. 

You don't know how much I've longed for. You don't know what I've been here for. You don't know how much I love my country home. 

I realised that it's not part of the original lyrics. Nice addition I must say, to the Korean oldie.

So country, I like. 

Dear readers, if you still exist, I hope you're surviving too. 
Be well, stay well.