Ordinariness, big dreams and illnesses.

For years, I've been telling myself that ordinariness is bliss. 平凡就是福。Indeed, it is. 

I've been an ordinary university student for three years. It's been great. I loved it. 

Now I've graduated. While job hunting, I still stuck to the thinking that ordinariness is bliss. Whatever I do doesn't have to be big. I can even stay in the same old place, doing the same old thing for years... maybe while pursuing my extraordinary dreams part-time.

So I went for several job interviews. I got several job offers. Right now, I have an offer waiting for my reply. 

It's February 15th, 2016. It's the eighth day of Chinese New Year. It's also the 15th day since I fell sick early this month. 

I had a fever that went on and off for the first week of the month. After that, I spent the next week breathing through my mouth, struggling to hear what people are saying, and coughing while trying not to cough my lungs out. 

Our family travelled up north for CNY, and I spent the days at grandpa's home daydreaming - involuntarily. I just couldn't focus. It feels like my head is not on my shoulders. I couldn't really tell whether I'm awake or dreaming. When I went out with a friend one day, after ordering food at the counter, I was supposed to pay the bill. The cashier keyed in the amount and showed it to me. I looked back at him. What? Why is he looking at me? After a while, I finally realised that oh, I needed to pay. 

I was dreaming even then. What's wrong with me?

Maybe I'm just ill. Maybe I'll be better when I recover from this flu.

But I have a job offer waiting for my reply... possibly within this week. I also just received a mail from another company, and I'm expecting hoping to get called for an interview. 

And I'm not well. I feel like calling off everything, and go into hibernate mode. Before I fell sick this month, I was all ready to begin my first official job any time. But I can't make decisions right now. I don't want to fall into the routine work, learn new things, try to fit into a new environment right now. I just want to breathe normally, stop coughing, be able to hear clearly and focus on what's going on around me. 

Honestly, I thought that this offer I just got was the perfect position for myself. Ordinary, in a place I call my second home, with nice people around. I thought I would be happy just living an ordinary life, doing an ordinary job in a place like home, around people who are like family. But right now, I'm very, very tempted to decline the offer. I haven't started, but I'm tired already. 

Maybe I'm just ill. Maybe it'll get better when I recover from this flu. 

But another part of me is roaring for a change. Why stay ordinary when you can be extraordinary? I used to say, I'm an ordinary kid with extraordinary dreams. I was in secondary school when I wrote that line on my profile. Later, that line changed to ordinariness is bliss, and I live in imaginations and work in reality. Whatever these lines mean, I probably knew best when I first wrote them. But right now, I realised that I still am that ordinary kid with extraordinary dreams. 

I see people achieving their dreams, big and small. Then I think of myself doing the routine thing in that place I call my second home. I also think of my extraordinary dreams and whether I can achieve them if I stay in the comfort of my second home.

Maybe I'm just ill. Maybe I'll be able to think better when I recover from this flu. 

But what should I do right now? I'm ill, my body - and possibly my mind too - needs a break. A break from all the damn problems in the world. 

But a job offer is waiting for my response. I'm waiting for a different offer - which, not to mention, I might not even get. I need a break. I want to rest. It's not easy to get a job offer nowadays, so I heard. And here I am, declining offers for various reasons. For good reasons, previously. Yet right now, the reason I'm tempted to decline this current offer is just downright silly and irrational. 

Because I'm sick, I need rest, I'm not ready to start work?
Because I don't want to be locked up in my second home?
Because I want to try my luck at achieving my extraordinary dreams? 

I must be crazy. Maybe I'm still daydreaming.